Rant

Matthew is generally a happy baby, but perhaps, not the easiest baby. He laughs easily but cries easily too and oh boy, his temper and tratrums are BIG!

Sleep has always been an issue since 2 months old when my mother in law came over to help out. Initially, he can almost STTN, or at least 5 hours intervals when Jenny, my confinement lady was around. However, when she’s gone, for the first few nights, he had problem with sleeping. Being a FTM I really didn’t know what to do. My MIL being like all MIL dotes on the grandson excessively (perhaps more than for his own good) carried him the entire night in order to let him sleep (fall asleep in her arms) – which she didn’t tell me until I found out after a few nights what she had been doing. By then it was perhaps too late.. he already gotten used to being carried and cradled to sleep.

Silly me, instead of changing his habit bad to the norm by cot training him again, tried to co-sleep him instead (to save myself the agony of handling his middle of the night cries). Having my MIL around is constant stress, because if I let Matt cried too long she will just charged into the room and check out on his grandson. Having her around has always been my stressor. Don’t get me wrong, we are on good terms, but when it comes to rasing a child, I think I still prefer having my own personal touch and space and time with my LO instead of having her around (even if she’s not commenting on anything much, having her around just wound me up the wrong way). To be perfectly honest, having her inbetween, I felt horrible! While I really appreciate the help I have, I am super uneasy and stress – I just simply can’t put that in words. Our amazing wonderful relationship has since became awkward because of Matthew. We are unnecessary polite and careful when dealing with one another, no longer like before where we can just speak our minds easily. It’s painful and stressful. I didn’t know why and how it changed, but it did.

Anyway, things because worse as Matt come to 6 months where he starts to experience seperation anxiety. He would refuse to sleep unless he latch! And he simply won’t put in any effort to self-soothe himself, but whenever he stirred (light sleep cycle), he would root for the nipple again, again and again… from waking up every 5 hours to every 4 hours, to 3 hours, to 2 hours … and now… almost every hour. I’m suffering backaches and numb arms from latching for extended period of time. I’m pretty sure, he’s sleep isn’t wonderful too being so disruptive. But what should I do?

I wanna sleep train him, but he just screams and shouts so loudly, crying bloody murder with tears streaming down from both eyes, and mucus all over his face from the running nose… his face would be red, and hair would be wet with perspiration even though the AC’s on. I hate to see him like this, and can’t bear to watch him cry it out like that… Even though I try to pat him, hush him, assure him and speak to him, it just wouldn’t yield any result… He WILL NOT STOP crying unless I pick him up!

I felt so frustrated, and helpless! I really don’t know what to do. No one understands me… Now my MIL will just snore through the night (after helping matthew to acheive the current sleep pattern, oh wow, thanks), and so do my husband. When I look at the both of them sleeping so comfortably while Matthew and I suffer the effects from bad sleep, I am furious! I hate it so much to the point I just wanna them out of my life! It’s so unfair! Why am I the only one suffering?! I am so angry with my MIL that I get pissed off with her in the day for no good reasons and didn’t even feel like talking to her. I’m mad at my husband that I just screamed at him for even small thing he did that didn’t please me. I became so stressed out that who ever woke Matthew up naturally became my enemy – and in my heart I’d curse them!

 I hate myself for being like this but what can I do to get out of this vicious cycle of bad sleep and chronic sleep deprivation? How can I get help? From who? Even my husband doesn’t understand me at all. 

I sometimes hope I could just vanished for awhile to rest..and have some me time.

 

 

 

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